#exc
Fear and Love
“Why do those fear you?”
“Because once you have an inkling of my power, you will be afraid. A glimpse of my true power, and you will become frozen with terror.”
“Oh, you like hyperbole, I see.”
“You have no idea!”
“But will that fear not disable me?”
“No. Fear will hold you still. Fear will enable you to listen.”
“Let me give you an analogy. If you are walking through your house one night and hear a strange sound. You stop, and listen more carefully. Your head inclined, your ears straining to hear some more, something else. Thus it is with ‘fearing’ me.”
“However would it not be more productive for me to love you, and find you through love?”
“Oh, like Rumi and the Sufi poets and the Song of Songs? Or are you referring to Romeo and Juliet, or David and Bathsheba?”
“I suppose so.”
“That is another story completely, which I won’t go into now, except to mention that as ‘Divinely’ inspiring as they are, their love was essentially of themselves. One of the reasons for their popularity in this egotistical and individualistic culture—besides being nobly romantic. They do not bless the beauty of women, who I have also created to enhance the depth of your existence and help you recognise the beauty in My surroundings, as well companions to nurture and guide you on your journey through My Kingdom.”
“I mean, if there is only fear and love…”
“What bullshit!” He thundered.
…
“Anymore?”
“Do you want more?”
“I want a meetting every day.”
"Then in the morning, every morning, at dawn, be still and say your prayers. If you pray intently, with all your heart and soul, I will come speak with you. But know that even if you hear nothing, even if you feel sad or bad, I am with you.
"Love does not provide structure. It does not enhance the listening either. Often the lover listens little to his love, enamoured as he is by her. The lovers could sit for hours in silence, and be fulfilled. Just to gaze upon his wondrous beauty is enough to fill her. The sound of her voice is a melody as sweet as any song to his ear.``
“Love is like space. It is everywhere and affects everything. It warps the light, causing each to see their own fantasy, ignoring the reality that surrounds. That is the same mechanism that I use to entice spirits to be born. It is through love that they take this risk, entering into a realm of free will, in which there are many temptations, many roads that lead nowhere.”
“Where is it that they are supposed to ‘get to’?”
“It is not that they are supposed to get anywhere. They are already where they are meant to be. It is whether they choose to fulfil their task or not.”
“What is that task?”
“Later, I will explain.”
“Love is about caring. About being sensitive to the other. However, the only love that works through me is the one tinged with fear or perhaps you would prefer, awe.”
“What is my task?”
“Your task we are not ready to speak of. For first and foremost you have to be prepared for your task, and in order to do that there is only a fork at the beginning of this road. Each one has a sign. The one says says ‘Hear O Israel, HaShem, your G-d is One’. The other says, ‘Choose your own Destiny’. It is in your choice of which of these roads to follow that will have the greatest influence on your destiny.”
“We shall not speak of your task specifically, however, the purpose of all beings in this existence is to have an experience of being. Not to become enlightened, not to seek to escape from their existence, but to experience it, be it, as fully as you are able. Then, succeeding in your existing, a basic choice arises. The decision to take responsibility for one’s own actions bridges causes the child to cross into adulthood. However the choice between My Will or your will bridges the abyss of mind and spirit, or destroys it. If evil deeds are perpetuated in the name of your will, your soul might end up being destroyed forever—instead of just being in limbo. A fundamental of your real work as an angel of G-d is to oppose evil wherever, whenever and however it is encountered–to the best of your ability.”
“Whoa there, Master of the Blessed Name. This is getting deep – or should I say confusing. I mean how can there be evil in the world, if you, God, are everything?”
He just smiled at me, quite benevolently. I felt that quite clearly. I knew I was not going to get any further.
“Later?” I asked.
“Perhaps,” He responded thoughtfully.
Then He relented. "Because you asked the question and because of what I know you know (being able to look into anyone’s mind and know his or her true thoughts – or should I say, more accurately – to look into His own mind) you still need to study some more before I will answer that. I see you have done much work trying to understand this, for which you will be rewarded, but still you are not yet ready."
“Am I ready to receive Your words?”
“We shall see, My son, we shall see. In the meantime, keep up the good work. Keep thoughts of me in your mind. Pray more. See me everywhere. Look for my hand in everything. Know how to distinguish Good from Evil.”
And He was gone. No goodbyes, no closure, and with those final words, it ended.
Every morning after that I prayed. In fact, I prayed at least four times a day. Each time I felt the sounds of the (Hebrew) words of our ancient tongue from the litany resonating through my being, I knew that they were moving over the waters of the upper realms. Even though it was many months before any more communication occurred, I never relented in my assiduousness, nor my authenticity.
I could suddenly feel His holy presence in the room. close to me. It was as if the air became denser, yet it was more like an intuition than a measurable effect.
“Where does it all end?”
He laughed raucously. “For you, it ends in death!”
“Really? That’s it?” I responded, thunderstruck. “You mean, we just are born, struggle through our lousy lives, and die? Finished! Kaput! Gone…!?”
“Would that be so bad?”
“What do you mean, so bad. Perhaps there are many who are satisfied with that explanation. But I am not, and nor have I ever been.”
“So what is your explanation, then?”
“I am not sure. But I go with what my tradition offers me.”
“And that is?”
“You created this all for us.”
“Are you implying that the whole of Creation exists simply to give birth to human beings?”
“Perhaps, but that would be if we are the only sentient beings that exist in the universe. If there are NO others like us.”
“And who is like you?”
“I say this in honour of your Infinite Greatness—for You are able to do all, and see all. You are all-powerful. Thus, it is possible that Your Mind could create others who are sentient, and aware of the fact that they exist.”
“Is that such a great thing? Animals are aware that they exist. In fact, they are more fully aware (in ways you cannot imagine) of their existence, totally embrace the simple act of Being, more so than most so-called ‘sentient’ beings are capable of.”
Then I heard what sounded like a long, almost longing, sigh, and He continued, “But when he is, aah, what a pleasure! What a gift!”
“Perhaps, let me not say purely ‘sentient’, but say that that sentience includes self-awareness. It is as if he (or she) is aware of their own narrative, and that that awareness is fully embedded in maintaining that very narrative. There seems to be a greater awareness and perception of their surroundings and the forces at play in their environment, coupled with an incredible ability to affect the reality within which they exist.”
“Well said. How do you think that is? Could they be that way unless I had already Willed the formation of beings that were capable of such perceptions? That were already blessed with those gifts of which you speak.”
"Please do not be angry with me. I was meaning no such thing. In fact, that was my original point. I do not believe that You would go to all that “trouble” (a very human concept)—or should I rather say, “expend all that energy” or “use all that time”… to create self-aware beings for no reason, or purpose. So I repeat my original question, but I will put it differently this time, and ask, “What is our purpose?”
“Aaah, you speak like a zealot. ‘What is OUR purpose’. Who is that OUR you speak of ?”
“I see that I have reached too far. So let me retreat, and be more humble. What is MY purpose?”
“So repetitive. Did you not ask that time before?”
“I did. I know. But what else is important? I pray, I yearn, I cry. I want to know what I am. I want to know who I am. I want to know what I am supposed to achieve, not only for myself, but in Your Name. I wish to serve You, with all that I am. I just wish I knew how the heck I am supposed to be DOING that!!”
“Do not fret, My son. The universe is no doubt unfolding as it should.”
And with that He was Gone – and it was over. This time I was racked with doubts and concerns. Was He angry with me? Did I overstep the mark? Is that the wrong thing to ask? How could I know? Who could guide me, advise me?
I mean, if I had to tell any of my friends or family that I am talking to G-d, or, G-d forbid, a psycho-logist, that could only get me onto the path to a very strong drug regime, willingly or unwillingly. The only place I could turn was to the Ancient Books, and their companions in which there were interwoven many tales of people who had walked this path. From the ancient mythical Moshe Rabbeinu, to the modern spiritual leaders – who seem far more human than Moshe Rabeinu could ever be.
Though it has been a dream of mine to capture some of that story in a real living sense. I mean, would it not be wonderful to imagine living the life that he lived, even if it has been mythologised. Imagine if it was possible for us to ascend to such clairvoyance, and see through the Aspaklariah clearly. To be able to see into the esoteric realm clearly – what vision, what joy.
I threw myself into reading these accounts of our visionary Teachers, may each one of their righteous souls be blessed and bless us all for ever and ever, however the assiduousness of my prayers suffered as a consequence. It was many months before I found my rhythm again, and discovered an axis, a centre that I had not had previously.
I felt His Presence with me. ‘HaShem appeared to me’.
"Well done, My son, he began. "We now have to begin our work.
I wondered whether this was my true task or whether it was a task that I had been chosen in the moment to participate in. Did it make any difference?
“You need to begin to teach the Holy Kabbalah to the masses.”
“That is a tall order, and I will need help with this. I have tried for many years to teach what I know, with little success.”
“All is possible. The times you now live in call for a change of pace”.
“You will have to guide me, my Lord, or else I will soon get lost.”
“Just as I guided Moshe Rabeinu, and all the other prophets and seers to bring you to this place at this time, so I will guide you.”
“Blessed is Your Name, forever more”.
Did this really happen? How could I tell? There were no witnesses. There were no voice, except in my head. Yet I could hear them clearly, and interact with them, not knowing what their reaction would be. How many of you reading this have had any similar experiences. How much of your life is really lived on the ‘outside’. Is not every experience you are having, and have ever had occurring inside you?
“No! Definitely not. How can you say that? If I fall and break my arm. That experience is ‘caused by the ‘outside’.”
Let me unpack this a moment for you. You fell and broke your arm—that is what happened. But for you–Y”mba—the experience occurred inside you. If you had nothing inside you that could experience the fall and the break, you would be like a table or a pole that broke. It is the very fact that you are aware of having the experience that make the experience an experience. You would never think that the table experienced its leg breaking. Nor would their be any other, but physical repercussions to the table’s loss of leg. No emotional or mental breakdowns.
“Well, animals have that response. So are we merely animals.”
Yes. Animals do. In fact, every living thing does. It is the truth of what differentiates live objects from dead ones—besides the other characteristics of reproduction, etc.—that they are reactive, and thus, somewhere, in some fashion, aware. Every living thing carries some sliver of consciousness.
I wish to go a level deeper and ask you what were you feeling at the moment before you fell? What were your thoughts? Were they good thoughts or bad ones? Good feelings or bad feelings? Perhaps Presence in the universe was responding to something…